What am I doing? Am I just using up my money to learn how to web-design, make web services, learn how to use a IDE and get experience for the job world. I look out my window in the morning, thinking will I be living here in a year. I love my 5 acres with our house and goats (and now lama), but will I be giving it up for a my own business. Probably, I think I passed the line of return ways back. Its the feeling of fear of failure. Am I able to serve others enough to trade for enough money to support what I want every month? I should I be living smaller. Do I even want that many customers? Can I even generate enough customers. First I have to generate services to sell. I got a few services, almost finished, but can I even sell them? Will they be good enough to sell them? Should I start sending out resumes and look for tech job.
The feeling of failure creeps up on me at nights before bed and in the morning before I head to the office. I feel lost in the wasteland struggling, hiking, walking to a city in the distance that I can't even see. I can't quantify the distance to the goal. How far did I walk yesterday, and how far can I walk today. This must be what artists feel when they take on a big project. How can they quantify how much time it will take to finish what they picture in there mind. I can see what I want, but getting there when I have never been, is something else. Easier said than done. I don't know if I can muster enough energy to surpass my mind wondering into a black hole of failure. I feel like a boat in the Fog where you can only see 2 feet in front of you.
This is where, I ask for the Guy upstairs to help me along. I am learning that faith, belief that Jesus cares about me and will help figure my journey out. So I ask him for help everyday now, hoping that will give me the edge. I don't want sympathy for complaining about the feeling of failure. You can pray for me. (hopefully you pray that I can build my own good web applications/services to help serve others and not a job :) )
This is the ultimate test of my faith. To blaze your own trail is no easy task. This is a test of my character. This is testing me extremely well. I pray daily now for strength to walk further. God be with me please.
I am hoping fear of failure is a war waged one battle at a time. To me I am going where no man has gone before. Can I overcome?
I wanted to write the good bad and the ugly. I figure any journey worth journeying has its struggle. This is mine.
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